Sunday, February 01, 2004

i'm curious..

why don't you just call me instead?

Saturday, January 24, 2004

Hi.

Miss me?

Why are you still visiting?

Why dont you ask me for my new blog?

I miss you too.

I like cranberries.

Thursday, January 22, 2004

this is for you.

< insert>.....Lately i can't stop thinking about spaghetti. ahah i know that sounds so stupid but spaghetti is so... symbolic and special. And everytime i think about it i can't help but smile. Making spaghetti together was always so ... happy. I hope you never make spaghetti with anyone as good as how we made it. If it happens that i totally forget about you and if i had to remember you in one way, and one way only - it would be in the kitchen making "our" spaghetti.

ngeharhr

so our special ingrediants for lovers who are lovers of spaghetti -
olives, olive juice, red wine, mushrooms, sugar, oregano, LOTS of garlic. and the most special of special ingrediants... wait for it .... L O V E.. negarha

the red wine is only put in minutes before you turn the heat off. and the sugar (only a little bit) is the very last thing added. (except parsley for colour and parmesan cheese). (Love has to be constantly mixed into the dish, or else it will taste like crap) (what an eliquent choice of words) :P

I don't think i'll ever have spaghetti as good as ours.

ngeharra im such a sucker. kill me now. please..............< /insert>

Friday, January 16, 2004

What the hell was last night all about?

I'm so confused? And frustrated! UGH

It's over, man. You told me so, so deal with it because i sure as hell am.

Thursday, January 15, 2004

its happened again, motherfucking exbf!!!!!!!!!!!!

BYE GUYS - im moving!

I was serious about NOT linking me!

If you want me, email me your worth.

I keep getting flash backs of things that happened at Byron Bay that i failed to mention in my entry. It must've been a crazy week if i'm just remember things now! A week of alcohol can't have been good for my body.

Especially after loosing my virginity to Long Island Ice Tea that Sarah concocted for me. YUMM!! I lerve Rum. And i was drinking it while playing "Have You Ever", drinking to EVERY statement (except getting off on sucking toes HAHA). I think that explains why i couldn't remember that night. Long Island Ice Tea, although delish, is EVIL!!

And the local EVIL VOODOO dolls, Terrance and Gertrude (formally known as Philomena) that we befrended but it turned out they were evil Chucky-like and were found at obscure places of our holiday house like sitting on the stairs or outside Sarahs and Christies Room and on the dining room table with a butchers knife?!?! And Terrance was found hung on the door near the patio. Scary evil evil dolls.

And Sarah giving me a massive bruise on my arm when she beat the shit out of me when i scared her after coming out of the bathroom.

And.. on NYE when the fireworks were going off..
Christie to Beth: This is the best, But... there's one thing missing, Beth.
Beth: Pills? Pills! We need more pills!
Christie: I meant our boyfriends.
Beth: Oh yeah, that too.
*wonders off in never-never land*
hahahahhaha

Oh man, ahah other stuff happened. thats all i remember for now. bwahaha.

I'll put up photos when everyone develops theirs. My camera broke so i couldnt take my own :(

Oh yeah and Meet Bob, my new toyboy! A work-mate came back from his Russian holiday with his promise to bring me back a nice Russian man.
Russian, yes. Nice... hrm.

he definately is fun though. :P

work - home - chat - sleep. what i life i live. jealous much? haha

Last night hung out at Jammos house watching DVDS with her and Erikar. Watched Legally Blonde 2. "WHOS READY TO DISCHARGE!?" (hahahaha) and Phone Booth again (ugh - lame.) "..But a ringing phone has to be answered.." thats so stupid. No it doesnt?



Had words with the girls and asking Erikar if she was thinking of getting back with Dennis. I hope not - Dennis is bad news when it comes to girlfriends. I wonder what game he is trying to play this time. And as if i wouldnt tell Erikar all the stuff he is gets up to and about other girls (ie. his gf, Rosa) and at the same time saying that he is trying to get back with her. I told myself that i wouldnt get in the middle of it again, but its Erikar, my oldest friend - i'm not going to let him fuck her over again, not after what happened last time. I have obligations! Damn Dennis - you try to help him out, but ugh. And you think he is changing, but then he does something so stupiid all hope goes flying out the door. I don't want to get in the middle again, but i'm already here. I know im doing the right thing by telling Erikar, there is no doubt. Now to deal with Dennis. Erikars a smart girl, i hope she doesn't get sucked into his little game again.

I hate having to explain to people whats wrong with my skin. I already know people look at me wierd and thats ok - because i am wierd looking, but to ask me. it's so frustrating!! Just DONT LOOK AT ME! I AM A FREAK!!!! I ALREADY KNOW!!!

Anyhooo - ill blog more later.

Monday, January 12, 2004

bwaha. I bought a camera for lunch.

:D :D :D

i do lerve impulse shopping.

I've got a fabulous idea! To emphasis the concept of new memories and a fresh life for all things karen, i've decided to purchase a digicam.

Lets get deep - real deep.

With this, i'm going to take photos of everything and everyone who makes me happy - who makes me, well.. me. And hopefully my love for life will once again be rekindled and inturn, love for myself. Hows that grab ya? Although im finding this kind of ironic; cameras take still shots of memories - things that were. I think it could possibly help me to realise what life has to offer me and be constantly reminded that it's not all that bad really. It's really quiet beautiful, I just need to get a move on and really focus on ME for a change. To heal, to grow and to be better. (ugh how corny).

So - empty your pockets kaz, 'cause you're going to be broke as a joke. But thats ok. I can live with that.

Sunday, January 11, 2004

i've been inspired again. Though i've always known this, why can't i just do it?

Kudos to a ringo-ian.

There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you
this - when people can walk away from you: let them walk. Don't you try
to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you,
caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. Your
destiny is never tied to anybody that left. The bible said that, they
came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for
us. For had they been for us, no doubt they would have continued with
us. [1 John 2:19]

People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not
joined to you, you can get super glue and you can't make them stay. Let
them go. And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person, it just means
that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when
people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to
raise the dead. You've got to know when it's over.


hrm..

Wow. Its Sunday and im not hung over, though i'm still recovering from this stupid sickness. Damn you Cheeky Monkeys! Damn You!

I don't feel good. Not in the sick way of not feeling good - but i don't feel ... happy?

I think it's been a while since i've really talked to anyone about the him situation. I'm trying to block it out and just go on my merry way. And it works momentarily but now i feel like i'm not even progressing. stuck in this rut and really struggling to get out of this black hole. I need new memories so all the old ones can go flying out the other ear. It's not like i want him back, it's not like it was a solid relationship and it's not like it was really love anyway? The whole relationship was based on insecurities and it went on for too fucking long. I'm still slapping myself for letting it go for long long. Still slapping myself for being so weak and being so stupid! I'm seriously so tierd of being here. I just want him to understand, and he still doesn't get it. So fucking THICK.

to know exactly how im feeling - download Evanescence - My Immortal

FAST FORWARD LIFE, FAST FORWARD!!!!

And really - what do i have to offer to anyone else anyway? Why would anyone want me? I'm freakishly short, revoltingly fugly, i have a foul mouth, i drink too much, i'm stout, my skin looks diseased, and i only pick up when im drunk and when "they're" drunk .... maybe i should move to America. They're all freaks there anyway. Someones bound to love me. maybe a tree. hahaha.

So I need to learn to love myself, gain confidence - how the hell do i do that? Where the hell do i start? Who am i, joddammit?! Your guess is seriously as good as mine.

I think i have Bi-Polars. haha

I need to get away again.

Hoo-Haaaa. Kaz is a spaz.

Just got back from WONDERLAND. Teehee i had fun exerting all my hyper activeness and energy so much so that i am buggered and can't keep my eyes open :) I'm re-learning the joys of good, clean fun and i lerve it. and I think i'm seeing a speckle of the old karen. :D

T'was I, Erikar, Jammo, Al, Den and Kris. Den scored us a dragon and a mushroom playing basketball. I named my mushroom, Shrooms. He's cool. And he spins when he flies in the air.

Didn't really get the chance to go on many rides, but that was A.O.K with me. We pirateshipped it. HAHA and River rampaged it (which resulted in ALOT of sexual innuendo about being "wet", Kris! haha). and Flying chaired it (soo free). and carouselled it (i was too tall to ride a horse? Me? Too Tall?). thats all.

i feel... "happy", but.. empty.

..i just want time to fast forward....


Friday, January 09, 2004

This is an "i'm bored, so i'll blog, blog."

I stayed home today because i was sick. Yes - I'm still sick from Cheeky Monkeys at Byron. Infact, i've been sick all week (took Monday off as well) and yesterday i went home early because i spewed at work. charming.
That was by far the most seediest club i have EVER set foot in. *coughingfit* and i guess chain smoking the entire week hasn't helped either, because im hacking up some classic gollies. charming again.

My conversation about God with Kris the other day was eerie. Eerie in the sense that i felt... open and... relieved... and watched - yes watched! It felt like someone was looking over me and i freaked out. I still need to do alot more thinking but i've got respect for christianity now. whereas before i never really did understand.

The past couple of days i've see the following - Whale Rider, Dancer in the Dark, Lost in Translation. Good Will Hunting (for the 5th time) and Kill Bill (for the 4th time).All GREAT movies! I suggest you all watch them. Although Dancer in the Dark wasnt as great as i was expecting (Christy was raving about it), but it was so sad, and powerful. I love movies where i come out ... feeling.

friday five time

What one thing are you most looking forward to . . .

1. ...today?
getting better

2. ...over the next week?
wonderland tomorrow

3. ...this year?
travelling

4. ...over the next five years?
love

5. ...for the rest of your life?
family and getting old

ugh. boring

Im staying home on the first friday of the new year. great for my pocket, but crap other wise.

I've been sitting infront of the computer ALL day not doing anything remotely productive - and i want to get off now but i want to listen to all these albums (Jill Scott, John Butler Trio, Bjork, Musiq). I only have mp3s and my room is on the other side of the house and i cant listen dammit. Looks like i'll be here for a while.

I'm getting fat again. My weight is doing all sorts of circus tricks. Need to stay consistant. Size 8 size 8 size 8 size 8 size 8 - it calls me.

Wow. 2 straight weeks of no communication. Thats gotta be a record right there. And i know he's not thinking of me because he has his "distraction". Damn him. And these dreams! These dreams i've had every single friggin night for about a week. UGH!!! GO AWAY MOTHER FUCKERRRRR. JUST FUCK OFF!!

eheh ok. Bye




Thursday, January 08, 2004

Now i get it. duh

my denial of christianity has been sought over, thanks to Kris.

there IS a GOD.

Wednesday, January 07, 2004

im freaking out.

i keep having to remind myself that im in the REAL WORLD now. goddamit, REAL WORLD. I've been working for 6 months, but it's only today that i go smacked upside my head because my company is doing some major refocusing and i - I! need to input on strategies on systems. *bites nails*

No more procrastinating. no excuses for not having done a report in time. no "but my teachers cool, he'll give me an extension". no "i forgot it on my kitchen table" crap.

this is what my education and social skills have worked me up to. argh!! its all happening and im freaking out.

*breathe*

i really am here. it's amazing.

im scared...

Tuesday, January 06, 2004

I asked my dad for $1000 today. "For what?" he said. I says i need it to support my drug addiction.

he looked at me

silence

we both burst out in laughter.

hey. it was worth a try.

no really. i really do need $1000. since when did i start paying for my own education? Gah. damn being more independant.

------

i'm getting signs around me that is highlighting my lack of spiritual guidance.

i am agnostic. i believe in a higher being but i don't know its' purpose. i do not believe in most catholic church teachings. i think the bible is rediculous. i believe in being a better person in general. i believe Gods gives us the choice to believe in him in any shape or form. Because ultimately, we all believe in the same God. I favour the buddist way of life; we live each life so that our next life will be better - closer to "nirvana".

i think its time i find the light.

but i will not go to hillsong. *coughCULTcough*

i dunno. its not for me. either way, we still all believe in the same god.

I still love the quote from "The Color Purple" that i have quoted once before in a previous blog... it is along the lines of ...
" ..god gets pissed off if you walk through a field of flowers and don't stop to smell them.."
i like that. i like it alot.

anyway. life is great.

except, i don't know if i like myself.

ha. another blog for another day.

toodles.

Monday, January 05, 2004

2003 in review

1. What did you did in 2003 that you'd never done before?
work full time,

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
no. yes.
1 - get my p's!
2 - work up my CD collection (finally)
3 - get a new wardrobe
4 - go sky diving/parasailing - something extreme. maybe all of the above
5 - stay size 8. (go back to size 8 and stay there) and stay fit. yeah
6 - work up my book collection

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
my auntie Edna to Jewel.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
no

5. What countries did you visit?
nada

6. What would you like to have in 2004 that you lacked in 2003?
my p's.
confidence gained from myself
size 8 body
flat stomach
toned arms

7. What date from 2003 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
september 12. the day i was free.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
doing everything the noble way.

9. What was your biggest failure?
.... i've done things wrong, but failure? such a harsh word.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
yeah. my ankles felt like acid seeped freely through it. ew

11. What was the best thing you bought?
my phone.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
Mine and Jams.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
The "boys"

14. Where did most of your money go?
beer and going out. Being with friends :)

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Byron Bay. Dennis' Birthday. My Birthday. Everyones 21st. :D

16. What songs will always remind you of 2003?
frontin - pharell
beyonce - crazy in love
jack johnson - flake
luther vandross - i'd rather
other stupid r&b songs.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

thinner or fatter?
thinner

richer or poorer?
richer

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
stay home, excerice, cook

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
getting drunk, going out, drinking beer.

20. How did you spend christmas?
with my family and my uncle dressed up as santa. :)

22. Did you fall in love in 2003?
no. i was IN love, but thats another story.

23. How many one night stands?
1

24. What were your favorite TV programs?
Queer Eye for a straight guy, Queer as Folk, Secret Life of Us

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
No.

26. What was the best book you read?
The Great Gatsby

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Elliot Smith, Jack Johnson, Jeff Buckley - folk rock, beatle-esque stuff :)

28. What did you want and get?
the have my shoulders lifted from burden

29. What did you want and not get?
to love and be loved in return.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
the life of david gale

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
went to a teppenyaki restaurant and to sydney rsl. i turned 20

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
...? i was happy as is.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2003?
funky/glam. who knows. im pretty screwed

34. What kept you sane?
blogger baby.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
britney

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
the war

37. Who did you miss?
albury whores and romeo

38. Who was the best new person you met?
.......

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2003.
put your foot down.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
sometimes a man gets carried away, when he feels like he should be having his fun
much too blind to see the damage he's done
oh sometimes a man must awake to find that really he has noone.

so i wait for you.
and i'll burn
and i wonder if i'll ever see your
sweet return

its never over - a kingdon for a kiss upon her shoulder
its never over - all my riches for her smiles when i slept so soft against her
its never over - all my blood for the sweetness for her laughter
its never over - shes a tear that hangs inside my soul forever

(jeff buckley - lover, you shouldve come over)

Sunday, January 04, 2004

BYRON BAY 2003/2004

Attendees: Kaz, Sarah, Danio, Christie, Beth, Ingrid, Jonny, Drew and Rob.

saturday 27th
-went out and had dinner at a local pizza place.
-made our way to the Beach Hotel, decided the place was crap so we went for a walk on the beach and decided to drink up at the apartment instead.

sunday 28th
-intense game of "have you ever". People actually get turned on by sucking toes. hrm
- "Lend me some suga, i AM your neighbour!! Shake it-- sha sha sha shake it"
- "Lets get retarrrrrded"
- Ingrid and I jumped the fence and went to talk to the people in the camp site next to our apartment.
- Supposed to go to a Club called Cheeky Monkeys. Ingrid and I were leading and got lost.
- Made friends with "Chris" and "Allisson" and a few other people from sydney.
- Scored free drinks from Chris.
- Jonny found us - cheeky monkeys was closed - headed off home
- Went to Chris' place first and stole CK undies from a communial clothes line - thought it'd be fun to run around with it on my head
- limbo styles
- went home
- Guys from Sarahs/Christies uni were there. chat chat chat. drink drink drink
- sleep sleep sleep

monday 29th
- i forgot what happened here

tuesday 30th
- i forgot what happened here as well

wednesday 31st
- WHAT A FUCKING WAY TO START THE NEW YEAR!!!! This night was AMAZING!
- Shots/drinks at home. Drunk as a skunk!
- Made our way to Beach Hotel
- Droobles "fed" me a pill
- Didnt do anything so decided to take some more
- Christies pill accidently landed in Sarahs drink that she downed
- Sarah was peaking like a nut case
- THEN Beth screams out that its 11:45 "lets run down ther beach for count down!" so i run thinking that every one is following me. Noone did. I got lost. thousands and thousands of people everywhere is it was INSANE. Turned out the time was only 9:45 and everyone was still in the same place. I was so upset. i cried. Although i met some HOT tourists on the way through because everyone thought i was Norwegian (I was wearing Ingrids Norwegian flags) "No dammit! Im from NORWEEGA!" haha. Went back to base camp. Have some more to drink. Everyone holds hands from now one so no one (i.e. me) - gets lost, again.
- sit around for a while. pop some more.
- sitting there enjoying the tree on the beach with hundreds of growsticks hanging from it. Ooo perty.
- it finally is count down - walk down to the beach and everyone holding hands
- THOUSANDS of people on the beach!!! It was the craziest thing i have EVER EVER EVER seen! Imagine Mobile Home at bondi in 2000 - this was 3 times CRAZIER!!!!
- No count down, but amazing fireworks felt like it was going to fall on us. Everyone doing the ooos and aaahs.
- Drew and Sarah FINALLY got together. Magical!!
- fireworks finish and walking barefooted along the shore.
- Ameteur fireworks setting off on the beach.
- went home to collect towels etc.
- Lay on the beach... everyone else but Christie, Drew and I left.
- made a circle of love with our glow sticks
- it happened to work because everyone who walked passed decided to pass out for a little while in our circle before being on their merry way.
- Hallucinating on the beach and making pictures with stars
- i total of 3 shooting stars!
- was supposed to watch the sun rise, but realised we were on the wrong beach and facing the wrong way. 4 hours later - we decided to run home to watch world idol.
- The sun was up, but coming up from behind up... doh
- get home, dammit realise world idol wasnt on today.
- mean while, rob was by him self for the whole night, and ingrid went home at 11:30?!
- chatted, tried to sleep .. slept
- HAPPY NEW YEARS EYYY.

jan 1st
- spent the entire day scattered as recuperating
- scattered and decided to watch ROTK.
- Feel asleep first 15 minutes.
- didnt really like it (soz Jammo!)

jan 2nd
- beached it at Watego, the most beautiful beach and area in Byron.
- shopped...
- dinner at Fish Heads that A La carte seafood restaurant.
- Not a Happy Kazza that night, not at all
- Went to Cheeky Monkeys
- That place was a fkn sauna! Health Hazard!! So HOT it was unbelievable!
- Got the flu as localers said you would. "If you go to cheeky Monkeys you come out with the flu". They were right.

jan 3rd
- home.
- goddamn traffic. 30ks in 3 hours!!!!!


ANYHOOO... Byron was fun..some times. I did learn alot though - not going to try to lead with such controlling friends, i'm not going to be so generous with people who i know wont do the same for me, not going to let myself be walked over. and i made 2 great new friends. I witnessed a love that has potential to blossom (finally) and i finally stood up for myself. Woohoo!
What a week.

2004 is definatly going to be different. I've put up with enough shit - never again.



IM BACK! and thank friggin goodness! I had a ball, but at the same time my patience wore thin after the week of maddness/relaxation, so much that on our last night at eating at an a la carte seafood restaurant on the beach at Byron, drunk as a skunk - i blew it. Absolutely blew it at Dani and Sarah yelling and screaming and getting the filthiest looks from the poshies from the area. I didnt care, i needed to let it out - i was getting so sick and tierd and being treated like .. like.. i dunno. Not as well as i deserve. I stormed out and let them do what they wanted to do despite me saying it ten billions times - never listening to a word i say. So much shit like that happened that week, i got fed up. I'm not meant to be a born leader - i'm made to be a sheep. a drone. a cow. follow the pack. not happy. not at all. Bah.

This year is going to be different. I'm going to make myself be heard. I'm not going to take things lightly, not let myself me walked on, let people think that i am easily satisfied. Although it one of my main characteristics - i don't like confrontation, i don't like people arguing, but i'm not going to let them think that they can have it all their way. Its a lesson learnt for both parties. Hmph.

PHEW. Just had to get that off my chest because the 14 hour drive back in the car (damn RTA/traffice/holidayers) was the longest 14 hours of my life. Just so glad to be home.

I did have an awesome time - its a shame that one thing had kind stuck to my mind about the entire Byron Bay experience. I definately learnt alot in that week. *nods*

I'll do a thorough recount on my week tomorrow. I think its absolutely safe to say that i had THE BEST NEW YEARS EVE EVER!!!!!!!! Magical i tells ya. I was amazing!! I think any new years after this would be pretty hard to top.

:) ok. going to rest. im sick, feverish and exhausted. AND, i have work on monday. Farking oath. Gnight space cadets.

Friday, December 26, 2003

So Christmas wasnt too bad after all. On the stroke of 12 - my uncle changed to Santa in light speed waking up my little cousin who was in awre because Santa isn't black! Santa's white! haha and Santa was smelling rather similar to little cousins dad as well as wearing his dads sandals. Apparently Santa had had a tan, lots weight, wore the same cologne and borrowed little cousins dads sandals because he left his on the sliegh. It was a ball and i was actually laughing.

The thing that made Christmas all the more better were calls from friends - and i'd always known this, but i was reinforced that people DO love me, and thats all i need. :D *extra cyber hugs to danio*

I went to the boxing day sales today in the city. Hot damn so many people!! Thank goodness for connections (ie. romeo at miss shop) who pushed me in line i'd been waiting 45 minutes in and only moved about 2 metres. (the line was whoppping!) I spent WAYYY to much money :( bought 2 bikinis, boardies, havainas, 4 tops, goodies ;) and thats all, and now it looks like i'll have holes in my pockets for byron. Im glad i was by myself or else i wouldve got really frustrated waiting around for everyone else. Oh yeah - and hows this for impulse shopping. All the stuff i bought i didnt try on. What ever i liked i went and bought it straight away. When i got home EVERYTHING was SMASHING! Lerved every bit of clothing i got. ahah Thats how i like to shop. :P

ANYWAY boys and girls. This is be my last post for a while. Going to Sarahs tonight before we head off to Byron at 4 in the A.M tomorrow. HOW EXCITINGGGGGG. I hope everyone has a FANTABULOUS NEW YEAR!!!! Toodles

Wednesday, December 24, 2003

I hope everyone is having a better Christmas than i am.

Yeh, Merry Christmas. *rolls eyes*

its almost 12 which means almost time for the Porndodo (ha) family tradition of opening up presents on the stroke of midnight. Just finished our almost midnight-feast. *undoes top button and lets its all hang* yes, im full. lots and lots of food indeed.
I know presents are gna suck. Relos are abit quiet/tame/nonfestive this year. Nothing is going to make this a better day for me. Oh except Jam :) *HUGS* you rule.

Hrm.. 15 more minutes. 15 minutes of kareoke to kill time. Wa-fukin-hoo.

I'm not feelin the love. Nor the magic this year. Our christmas' are ALWAYS magical. Spot the difference. HMMMBAHHHHHHH.


scenario;
driver L.A, passenger Louie. Backseat, Romeo, me and Jun.
Its 1:30am - we're about to leave Parramatta Westfield. I'm laughing, singing - hyper active, happy. L.A suggests we go to the beach and chill. Good idea! Romeo and i have work the next morning so he suggests on another night we go to a secluded beach and make a bonfire. I suggest Christmas night...


k: oooh! Lets all go on christmas night after we do the whole family thing?
l & l: yeahh!
r: i can't, i have family stuff all night
k: family stuff? what about all the times you got to spend with me for christmas? can't your friends substitute for the night?
r: yeah. no, i'll be with Griezel.

....and then a million knives shot straight through my heart and was one again reminded how fucked up this Christmas is going to be.

As for the present. What an ungreatful motherfucker.


Tuesday, December 23, 2003

OK. another post. *yawn*

how the fuck is it meant to be done? I've done everything by the book, i'm keeping myself occupied - i go out *too much*, i stay in when i need to, i have friends in different circles, Im going to the gym, I've outlined with rationale all aspects of the relationship that went wrong and ivy got closure, I've stayed away when I need to, I don't pry into his life and ask him questions that I know would hurt me, Im being civil; being a friend, I wont throw away the photos (not even considered), i've accepted what has happened; what WILL happen, i've been out with ''them''. I'm a busy busy girl (who still manages to write in her journal everyday - which i think is totally necessary for the healing process)... but still. I've done everything that wont turn me into a bitter and twisted exgirlfriend. but but but....STILL.

*bursts out in song*
"... i still light up like a candle burning when he calls me up... still melt down like a candle burning everytime we touch..."

ok. so its not that dramatic.

I dont miss him. i sincerely, honestly, truly, genuinely do not miss him. anymore. but i can't stop thinking about him/us/them/the whole situation all together. can't get it out of my friggin mind. i wish someone would just cut out that HUGE section of my small small brain. stupid being 14. stupid depedency.

i have serious issues. like SERIOUS issues.

jams moved on?! why can't i??


karen: i like songs with deep lyrics ...
mr. x: yeah! thats why i like 50 cent.
k: bwahahaha *uncontrollable bursts of laughter* "i dont know what you heard about me? but i'm a mother fucking p.i.m.p??!!"

lyrical genuis mate. *cough*


today today today. 6 years today. im actually feeling o.k. i guess.
i bought him a christmas present. Is that wrong by me? nothing big - just a new book thats out by his favourite author.

hrm.


hrmmmmm.


HRMMMMMMMMMM. Joddamnit.


Everything will be different after new years. i still need more time to mourne, get over the denial;anger;pain.

Merry fucking Christmas my arse. lick it, mother fucker.

Monday, December 22, 2003

OMG! I've had Musiqs album in my computer for MONTHS and i've ONLY just found it NOW!! Totally kicking myself!!!!!!!!!!!
MUSIQ is FUCKING MAD. One of my faves :D

Im trying to work out songs to be included in the official byron bay complication cd.
As was done for schoolies - our theme song for the entire schooly experience was please dont turn me on - artful dodger and the stranglers. purley because majority (bar 1 of us) all had boyfriends and schoolies was a tempting tempting circumstance, hence the 'please dont turn me on' or else my bf will open a big fat can of woop-ass equally divided for myself as well as the participating party. hmm.

i have 9 songs so far.

Andree 3000 - Hey Ya
Andree 3000 - Spread it
Kelis - Milkshake
The White Stripes - Seven Nation Army
Nine Inch Nails - Closer
Britney & Madonna - Me against the music
Boogie Pimps - Somebody to love
Junior Senior - Move Your Feet
Shut Up - Black Eyed Peas

i dont like this list. Its annoying me already.
I'll find better songs later.

Aiya the drive up is going to be messy.
we have one girl who hates all top 40 - big on deftones and tool.
another girl who is all for r&b slowjams *yawn*
another who is all for top 40
and i, who is just fucked.

it will make for an interesting drive. its a 9 hour drive (not incl. breaks) i guess i can sleep it off.

Sunday, December 21, 2003

W and i hung out again last night at my house watching DVDs. I'm ashamed to say that i actually enjoyed watching a Vin Diesel movie. haha and reluctant to admit he put on a good waterworks act. So we watched A Man Apart and National Security. Really not my type of movies but it was good to hang out. Someone new. :)

Let me just make it clear that we are just friends. He has a girlfriend of 5.5 years and is going through the same situation xbf and i were going through. It seems that he just wants to talk to someone who has gone through the same thing - although if i were his gf, i would not be impressed if my bf was hanging out at a girls house until 5 in the morning. He isn't doing anything wrong - he's simply doing what his gf wants him to do. Kinda like xbfs and i's sitation. (ie. meet new people/experience new things yada yada yada yada). However, my intentions are clear to him and i he knows i'm still not over xbf *ugh* and that i'm not ready and im just here because i'm here. He hasn't done anything wrong - all we're doing is hanging out, making new friends, talking. I feel so comfortablesafe with him, as if he is so familiar to me that uncomfortable silences are not really uncomfortable and falling asleep while watching vids isn't embarrassing. Maybe its just me. *shrug*

We had a snooze and he finally went home at about 5ish in the morning. He met pretty much my whole family. ahah I wonder what they were all thinking. "Who the hell is this new guy lying on the couch under karens blanket?!" ahah the look on my dads face when he came in was hilarious. (to me anyway) but i think W was feeling abit ehh.

Last night was cool. I haven't been awake for that late - SOBER in a very very very very very very long time.

Saturday, December 20, 2003

he hates me. goodo. he wont find it this time. this time its set on private *doh* and he is out and about bike-riding, beaching, fine-dining and clubbing tonight. I would be there too, but i can't be fooked, nor do i have the mula.

he still hates me. i guess all those "talks" didn't make any changes - make him think rationally or logically. hrm. saw him last night - totally not feeling him anymore. i wish time would fast forward.

great. now i feel like im supressing things...

ANYHOOO. Hungout with Walter last night. He is cool. Bestfriend material cool and seems like a genuinly nice guy. We sat outside my house just talking and went cruising to find alcohol (he was supposed to be at a party but came to visit me instead). Really embarrassed for him to see me because i had an allergy and my left eye looked like it was about to pop out of my head. Ew. Made sure we were in the dark and far from light so he couldnt see how ugly i was. Im tempted to ask him about his religion. Hes Iglesian? Ive heard bad things and want to set things straight - but i feel like we still dont know each other well enough to dive into a deep topic like that. But i guess thats the whole part of the getting-to-know-you process.

tierd. not going out AT ALL this weekend. can you believe that?

Friday, December 19, 2003

i spoke to xbf this morning because mum said apparently he was trying to call me all night.

He found my blog. *shakes fists at google*

I feel so ... violated. I mean its one thing for random people to read this - but for him. This was my way to solve things out for myself and he has once again interrupted my healing process. GO AWAY. I mean - dont go away away, but you have no right into my mind. Why bother, dude? Spend that effort on your new gf.

goddam.

another new home. stupid exboyfriend