cannot find server: December 2003

Friday, December 26, 2003

So Christmas wasnt too bad after all. On the stroke of 12 - my uncle changed to Santa in light speed waking up my little cousin who was in awre because Santa isn't black! Santa's white! haha and Santa was smelling rather similar to little cousins dad as well as wearing his dads sandals. Apparently Santa had had a tan, lots weight, wore the same cologne and borrowed little cousins dads sandals because he left his on the sliegh. It was a ball and i was actually laughing.

The thing that made Christmas all the more better were calls from friends - and i'd always known this, but i was reinforced that people DO love me, and thats all i need. :D *extra cyber hugs to danio*

I went to the boxing day sales today in the city. Hot damn so many people!! Thank goodness for connections (ie. romeo at miss shop) who pushed me in line i'd been waiting 45 minutes in and only moved about 2 metres. (the line was whoppping!) I spent WAYYY to much money :( bought 2 bikinis, boardies, havainas, 4 tops, goodies ;) and thats all, and now it looks like i'll have holes in my pockets for byron. Im glad i was by myself or else i wouldve got really frustrated waiting around for everyone else. Oh yeah - and hows this for impulse shopping. All the stuff i bought i didnt try on. What ever i liked i went and bought it straight away. When i got home EVERYTHING was SMASHING! Lerved every bit of clothing i got. ahah Thats how i like to shop. :P

ANYWAY boys and girls. This is be my last post for a while. Going to Sarahs tonight before we head off to Byron at 4 in the A.M tomorrow. HOW EXCITINGGGGGG. I hope everyone has a FANTABULOUS NEW YEAR!!!! Toodles

Wednesday, December 24, 2003

I hope everyone is having a better Christmas than i am.

Yeh, Merry Christmas. *rolls eyes*

its almost 12 which means almost time for the Porndodo (ha) family tradition of opening up presents on the stroke of midnight. Just finished our almost midnight-feast. *undoes top button and lets its all hang* yes, im full. lots and lots of food indeed.
I know presents are gna suck. Relos are abit quiet/tame/nonfestive this year. Nothing is going to make this a better day for me. Oh except Jam :) *HUGS* you rule.

Hrm.. 15 more minutes. 15 minutes of kareoke to kill time. Wa-fukin-hoo.

I'm not feelin the love. Nor the magic this year. Our christmas' are ALWAYS magical. Spot the difference. HMMMBAHHHHHHH.

scenario;
driver L.A, passenger Louie. Backseat, Romeo, me and Jun.
Its 1:30am - we're about to leave Parramatta Westfield. I'm laughing, singing - hyper active, happy. L.A suggests we go to the beach and chill. Good idea! Romeo and i have work the next morning so he suggests on another night we go to a secluded beach and make a bonfire. I suggest Christmas night...

k: oooh! Lets all go on christmas night after we do the whole family thing?
l & l: yeahh!
r: i can't, i have family stuff all night
k: family stuff? what about all the times you got to spend with me for christmas? can't your friends substitute for the night?
r: yeah. no, i'll be with Griezel.

....and then a million knives shot straight through my heart and was one again reminded how fucked up this Christmas is going to be.

As for the present. What an ungreatful motherfucker.

Tuesday, December 23, 2003

OK. another post. *yawn*

how the fuck is it meant to be done? I've done everything by the book, i'm keeping myself occupied - i go out *too much*, i stay in when i need to, i have friends in different circles, Im going to the gym, I've outlined with rationale all aspects of the relationship that went wrong and ivy got closure, I've stayed away when I need to, I don't pry into his life and ask him questions that I know would hurt me, Im being civil; being a friend, I wont throw away the photos (not even considered), i've accepted what has happened; what WILL happen, i've been out with ''them''. I'm a busy busy girl (who still manages to write in her journal everyday - which i think is totally necessary for the healing process)... but still. I've done everything that wont turn me into a bitter and twisted exgirlfriend. but but but....STILL.

*bursts out in song*
"... i still light up like a candle burning when he calls me up... still melt down like a candle burning everytime we touch..."

ok. so its not that dramatic.

I dont miss him. i sincerely, honestly, truly, genuinely do not miss him. anymore. but i can't stop thinking about him/us/them/the whole situation all together. can't get it out of my friggin mind. i wish someone would just cut out that HUGE section of my small small brain. stupid being 14. stupid depedency.

i have serious issues. like SERIOUS issues.

jams moved on?! why can't i??

karen: i like songs with deep lyrics ...
mr. x: yeah! thats why i like 50 cent.
k: bwahahaha *uncontrollable bursts of laughter* "i dont know what you heard about me? but i'm a mother fucking p.i.m.p??!!"

lyrical genuis mate. *cough*

today today today. 6 years today. im actually feeling o.k. i guess.
i bought him a christmas present. Is that wrong by me? nothing big - just a new book thats out by his favourite author.

hrm.

hrmmmmm.

HRMMMMMMMMMM. Joddamnit.

Everything will be different after new years. i still need more time to mourne, get over the denial;anger;pain.

Merry fucking Christmas my arse. lick it, mother fucker.

Monday, December 22, 2003

OMG! I've had Musiqs album in my computer for MONTHS and i've ONLY just found it NOW!! Totally kicking myself!!!!!!!!!!!
MUSIQ is FUCKING MAD. One of my faves :D

Im trying to work out songs to be included in the official byron bay complication cd.
As was done for schoolies - our theme song for the entire schooly experience was please dont turn me on - artful dodger and the stranglers. purley because majority (bar 1 of us) all had boyfriends and schoolies was a tempting tempting circumstance, hence the 'please dont turn me on' or else my bf will open a big fat can of woop-ass equally divided for myself as well as the participating party. hmm.

i have 9 songs so far.

Andree 3000 - Hey Ya
Andree 3000 - Spread it
Kelis - Milkshake
The White Stripes - Seven Nation Army
Nine Inch Nails - Closer
Britney & Madonna - Me against the music
Boogie Pimps - Somebody to love
Junior Senior - Move Your Feet
Shut Up - Black Eyed Peas

i dont like this list. Its annoying me already.
I'll find better songs later.

Aiya the drive up is going to be messy.
we have one girl who hates all top 40 - big on deftones and tool.
another girl who is all for r&b slowjams *yawn*
another who is all for top 40
and i, who is just fucked.

it will make for an interesting drive. its a 9 hour drive (not incl. breaks) i guess i can sleep it off.

Sunday, December 21, 2003

W and i hung out again last night at my house watching DVDs. I'm ashamed to say that i actually enjoyed watching a Vin Diesel movie. haha and reluctant to admit he put on a good waterworks act. So we watched A Man Apart and National Security. Really not my type of movies but it was good to hang out. Someone new. :)

Let me just make it clear that we are just friends. He has a girlfriend of 5.5 years and is going through the same situation xbf and i were going through. It seems that he just wants to talk to someone who has gone through the same thing - although if i were his gf, i would not be impressed if my bf was hanging out at a girls house until 5 in the morning. He isn't doing anything wrong - he's simply doing what his gf wants him to do. Kinda like xbfs and i's sitation. (ie. meet new people/experience new things yada yada yada yada). However, my intentions are clear to him and i he knows i'm still not over xbf *ugh* and that i'm not ready and im just here because i'm here. He hasn't done anything wrong - all we're doing is hanging out, making new friends, talking. I feel so ~~comfortable~~safe with him, as if he is so familiar to me that uncomfortable silences are not really uncomfortable and falling asleep while watching vids isn't embarrassing. Maybe its just me. *shrug*

We had a snooze and he finally went home at about 5ish in the morning. He met pretty much my whole family. ahah I wonder what they were all thinking. "Who the hell is this new guy lying on the couch under karens blanket?!" ahah the look on my dads face when he came in was hilarious. (to me anyway) but i think W was feeling abit ehh.

Last night was cool. I haven't been awake for that late - SOBER in a very very very very very very long time.

Saturday, December 20, 2003

he hates me. goodo. he wont find it this time. this time its set on private *doh* and he is out and about bike-riding, beaching, fine-dining and clubbing tonight. I would be there too, but i can't be fooked, nor do i have the mula.

he still hates me. i guess all those "talks" didn't make any changes - make him think rationally or logically. hrm. saw him last night - totally not feeling him anymore. i wish time would fast forward.

great. now i feel like im supressing things...

ANYHOOO. Hungout with Walter last night. He is cool. Bestfriend material cool and seems like a genuinly nice guy. We sat outside my house just talking and went cruising to find alcohol (he was supposed to be at a party but came to visit me instead). Really embarrassed for him to see me because i had an allergy and my left eye looked like it was about to pop out of my head. Ew. Made sure we were in the dark and far from light so he couldnt see how ugly i was. Im tempted to ask him about his religion. Hes Iglesian? Ive heard bad things and want to set things straight - but i feel like we still dont know each other well enough to dive into a deep topic like that. But i guess thats the whole part of the getting-to-know-you process.

tierd. not going out AT ALL this weekend. can you believe that?

Friday, December 19, 2003

i spoke to xbf this morning because mum said apparently he was trying to call me all night.

He found my blog. *shakes fists at google*

I feel so ... violated. I mean its one thing for random people to read this - but for him. This was my way to solve things out for myself and he has once again interrupted my healing process. GO AWAY. I mean - dont go away away, but you have no right into my mind. Why bother, dude? Spend that effort on your new gf.

goddam.

another new home. stupid exboyfriend

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